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Within the Boundaries - Dave Bartlett
September 21 - Grundy Center
September 28 - CF Community Center
October 5 - CF Sanctuary
Message Summary
The goal of Dave’s teaching was to help us learn to live with healthy boundaries that will enhance the growth of individuals and the families we live in. Healthy boundaries are essential to healthy families! Great harm is done when boundaries not established and honored. The truth of the matter is, if we don’t practice living out appropriate boundaries, many of our relationships will be at risk.
A boundary is defined as that place where I stop and you begin; That place at which my responsibility and my control ends, and yours begins.
Dave’s key teaching points were that living within healthy boundaries ...
... has God as the primary source (1John 4:16, 1 John 1:5, James 1:17)
God is very clear in His word about who He is and who He is not, who we are and who we are not, where His responsibility ends and ours begins.
... differentiates between burden and personal responsibility (Galatians 6:2-5)
... requires selflessness (Matthew 16:24, Ephesians 5:21)
Living within healthy boundaries often does not feel good and it demands the ability to live with a sense of sacrifice and for the good of another person.
... creates a delightful inheritance (Psalms 16:6)
Living with healthy boundaries is one of the most important ways we bless future generations.
Scripture Focus
See all Scripture cited above ... as well as:
Galatians 6:2-5 - Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way fulfill the law of Christ. If of you think you are something when you are nothing, you deceive yourselves. Each of you should test your own actions. Then you can take pride in yourself, without comparing yourself to someone else, for each of you should carry your own load.
Psalm 16:6 - The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance ...
Discussion questions for small group/family discussion or personal reflection and journaling
1. What were boundaries like in your family of origin? What are they like in your family network now?
2. Of the various family relationships where healthy boundaries are important, which one area is an area of boundary struggle for you right now? What might adjusting those boundaries look like?
3. Talk about a time when you have found yourself out of bounds by violating an appropriate boundary. What were the results?
4. Read Galatians 6:2-5. Talk or write about Dave’s teaching regarding this passage.
Remember a burden is defined as “that amount of weight that would crush an individual” (natural disaster, losing your job, a close family member dying ...) and a load is defined as “that amount of weight that would make someone stronger as they carried it.” (A child’s homework, saving own money for something they want, doing their own paper route ... )
Do you understand the difference between the two? Do you agree with the idea that we are to help each other carry our burdens, but that each one of us is responsible to carry our own load? Is that how your family network works, or do you struggle with healthy boundaries in this area?
5. Look at the list of healthy boundaries that Dave and Linda have in their family life (listed below).
Talk together about which ones are most relevant to your life right now.
Do your boundary rules look different from these? How?
(Early in relationship) We will never threaten or consider divorce as an option and we will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.
(Young married couple) We will lovingly listen to our parents but we will make our decisions together without undue influence on them.
(Young parents) We will not expect our children to make us look good by participating in our image management.
(Young parents) We will work to help our children become people of authentic faith, strong character and good community members.
(Grandparents) We will serve our children as “assistant coaches” in the raising of our grandchildren.
Try This
1. Think about one area of your family life which would benefit from a revision of boundaries. Begin to pray about that relationship and ask God for wisdom regarding what a new set of boundaries might look like. Perhaps even write out a boundary sentence like Dave and Linda did. Think of gentle ways you can begin to reinforce these new boundaries.
2. Practice healthy boundaries ... think of areas where you might be stepping across boundaries to carry someone else’s load, rather than their burden. Talk together as a family about this ... You might be surprised by your child’s (or spouse’s, or roommate’s!!!) thoughts on the matter!
3. Talk as a family about various family networks. Give your kids or each other a chance to express whether or not you have healthy boundaries in those relationships.
For further reading:
1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life - Cloud and Townsend.
2. Boundaries in Marriage - Cloud and Townsend
3. Boundaries with Kids - Cloud and Townsend
4. Boundaries with Teens - Cloud and Townsend
5. Boundaries in Dating - Cloud and Townsend
Prayer for the week
Father, help us live with appropriate and healthy boundaries that will honor You and help us give our children and spouses and families a delightful inheritance. Heal us from past instances of unhealthy boundaries and give us wisdom to know what areas of our lives need fresh, healthy new boundaries. Give us the courage, clarity and gentle wisdom to live within the boundaries You help us create. When we fail, help us to confess and ask for forgiveness from each other. Thank You that You are the Creator of families and of healthy boundaries. Amen.
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